Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Jitters

I seem to get those a lot lately. Between the Home Study appointment on Friday, the seemingly unending paper chase that we are doing, and the sheer fear of actually becoming a father I would say that it is pretty well par for the course. It's ok though, it makes me realize that I get it. I understand what we're going into, the commitment Laura and I are making. I have no idea what it is going to be like to have this little person who is completely dependent on me, but I know that I will be there for all of it. I know that my little girl will never stop and wonder where her father is. Me .... a father -- see there's the jitters again. :) I am on this new email group for dad's that adopted from China, or are going to be adopting. It is really interesting to read all the stories they post and little bits that they have been through. It has made the whole thing just a little more interesting. There is a dad on the list named Doug and he has a little girl he adopted named Eliana. There is a picture in the files section of the group that has really affected me. Positively of course. It is a professionally taken photo where he is sitting and she is standing behind him with her arms hugging his neck. It is beautiful. It is loving. It is not so much the picture. It is the expressions on both of their faces. Doug's expression clearly shows he knows his picture is about to be taken, but Eliana just look content and happy to be leaning against her daddy, and she doesn't even look like she is aware of the camera. Just unconditional love and happiness. I can't wait to have that. You can check out a touching moment between Doug and Eliana at the Dadbloggers website that he started up. A lot of adoption lists and forums are "controlled" by women. They post the most and the talk the most and the share the most. Not a lot of men abound. I am very happy to have found a list where it is a groupd of Dad's and Dad's to be. It helps me to see a better picture of what it will be like to have a little girl that looks up to me, and loves me as much as I already love her. For right now, all of this seems to be a distant thought. Something in the future. Each time I think that we are getting closer, it seems to go farther away. The journey makes the destination all the more sweet. When we go to China and we get our little girl, I know that all the fear, nervousness, anticipation, excitement, joy, heartache will all flood through me at one time while I hold this screaming terrified little girl who has no idea that she is in the arms of the people who will do everything possible to give her a life full of love and happiness.... -- Stephen

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